Ten Signs He's Just Not That Into You

Hello my Loubies!

Ya girl has been gone for a hella long time. It’s been a face-whack of a year and I definitely didn’t intend to be away from the keyboard as long as I’ve been away. With full-time work and frankly, a major break from the dating game to recouperate myself and my fleeting heart, it became too much of a commitment to continue writing, especially when I knew I’d be having to make up garb-aj content for you to read. But the good news is, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about life, love and Louboutins and I won’t be gone again for a very, very long time.

On a sunny Sydney Sunday (alliteration for days) when I was in the middle of my first dating workshop for 2018 (yay these are back up and running!), teaching a room full of 21 men how to online date, watched as they debated contentiously about how long they take to ask a woman out, respond to a text and/or schedule dates based on their interest levels and how this was actually exacerbated by the fickle online dating culture. And all of a sudden, I recalled too many traumatic conversations about the exact same thing with my girlfriends surfacing.

A few years ago, in the midst of a very ‘Will he or won’t he?’ time in my life, a girlfriend of mine handed me a copy of Greg Behrendt’s book, ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’. Now hugely popularised by its cinematic adaptation, the book was a real step change from my regular reading pattern focused on Bridget Jones-esque style rom-com novels. It brought home a somewhat brutal version of an unspoken truth about the male mind, essentially drilling down to saying that if he wasn’t calling, texting, making plans, asking you out or asking you to be his girlfriend, he’s just not that into you. Now isn’t that hard to listen to?

Whilst at first I really took the revelations in the book to heart and began instantly psychoanalysing every move a guy made against the rules set out by Behrendt, over the years I’ve come to realise, life just ain’t that black and white. Sometimes it’s not you, it’s him. Sometime’s it’s not him, it’s you. Sometimes life happens. Sometimes, you kind of just have to take it on the chin and keep your Cinderella fairydust in the back pocket and hope for the best.

But then are other times where you just can’t tell if it’s the circumstances or timing or if he’s really just not that into you. And I don’t mean when he’s not responding to your texts for days or calls you his ‘little sister’ not into you. I mean the more subtle, almost nuanced signs that are easy to miss. This is where I can help.

Ten Signs He’s Just Not That Into You

1. He communicates sporadically and only at his convenience

He’s all for sending you a hey, how’s it going message - at 6pm on a Friday night that is. His communication is always inconsistent, he takes ages to respond to texts and even when he does, you can tell it’s only because he’s got nothing else to do or misses the attention. This guy only wants to talk when he feels like it, which means you shouldn’t want to talk to him at all.

2. All his conversations are about him

I’m all for equal conversation between men and women, inspite of the countless books telling you he should be asking about you allllll the time and making you feel special allll the time. But there’s a difference between giving him room to share how he’s feeling versus the conversation only being about how amazing he is. If every time you send a text sharing how your day is going or a fun story and his only response is to react by telling you about his life, he’s not that into you, he’s just into himself.

3. All his plans are made at the last minute and/or he can never make it but doesn’t reschedule

Another unspoken rule I often throw against the wall is always waiting for the guy to ask you out or set up a date. I think in 2018, we can do a lot better than sitting in the passenger seat of a car and not wonder where we’re being driven to down the road to love. But if your guy is always waiting till 7pm to make plans at 8pm, or every time you suggest a catch-up, he’s got something on AND won’t suggest following up for another time, he’s just not that keen. A guy who likes you, will want to see you, even when he can’t.

4. He’s addicted to the digital communications, but doesn’t set up dates

One of my favourites because this one is so hard to get right and not misconstrue. With the way technology is today, it’s easy to think someone likes us when we spend a lot of time exchanging messages and memes. But unfortunately, if he’s not willing to spend the time getting to know you outside the online portal, he’s probably just not that into you. That or he’s deployed in Iraq, in which case, he should be pre-booking dates anyway (jokes but not really). If you can’t take it offline, it can’t be real. And frankly, you don’t need any more pen pals honey.

5. He never does anything nice for you, even if he says it

He’s full of compliments and nice things to say about you, but what has he actually done for you? If you’ve ever asked him for a favour when you’re in need or to exhibit some kind of actionable and tangible behaviour and he can’t seem to deliver, but loves talking up a big game about how much he cares, he’s just not feeling it and frankly, either should you. A guy who likes you will try to help. He won’t placate you with sweet words then look the other way.

6. He breadcrumbs you and you act as the faithful pigeon

Think one word texts, lots of ‘hahas’ and ‘lol’ with nothing tangible to follow the conversation up. He’ll check in once in a while to see if you still have a pulse and haven’t forgotten to give him attention. His one text or phone call will set off a flurry of ‘What does this mean?!’ in your head, but then he falls way flat when it comes to following through. Same goes for when you’re on a date. He lets you lead the conversation, plan the night, pay the bill, drive the physical interchange. He’s just there to look pretty. Next!

7. He disappears on the weekends OR only shows up on the weekends

If Saturdays are just for the boys or weekdays are just for work, he’s just not for you. A guy who actually likes you will spend the time to talk to you regardless of the day of the week. Same goes for never telling you what he’s up to yet always keeping tabs on your whereabouts. That’s not interest, it’s ego.

8. His social media activity consists of adding and liking other women’s photos

If he’ll double tap every second Aleisha, Keisha and Bodeisha, he’s probably not looking for your heart-eisha.. You know what I mean. If his social media activity is a feed of likes and adds of women with pouting duck selfies and aspiring ass models and he knows you can see it, it’s because he doesn’t care if you do. Double swipe left on this guy.

9. He doesn’t give you his attention even when you are together (checking his phone, checking out other women, flirting with the waitress etc.)

Self-explanatory. Eyes up here buddy.

10. You don’t feel cared for in the way you’d want to be cared for by someone you like

It’s really simple. As women, very few of us don’t know what we’re looking for when it comes to how we want a man to makes us feel. And the truth is, if you’re not feeling the way you want to be feeling around a man who you’re romantically involved with, chances are it’s because something is very off. I’m not saying this is always because he’s just not that into you, because sometimes it can be a lack of communication, varying personality styles and/or a multitude of other circumstantial reasons. But the fact is, if you’ve tried to make your needs obvious and he still refuses to meet them or falls flat every time, it’s probably because he doesn’t want to. Same goes for if you never feel validated or special to him in the way you’d like to. In this case, who cares if he’s into you or not, you need to take of yourself first.

So.

The thing about finding out someone just isn’t that into you is, it’s never really an entire surprise. We’re often speeding on the highway of relationships at full speed, conveniently ignoring the obvious red flags and stop signs we see along the way, just because we’d rather be blinded at the intersection crash than stop ourselves from feeling the adrenaline mid-rush. And the worst bit is when we know someone is into us just that little bit, but not quite enough. It leaves you feeling a bit used, empty, confused and lost and worst of all, still emotionally entangled. The good news is, it’s temporary. For every time I thought I’d die because a man wasn’t into me, I’ve found another one to move on to. And then another and another, until all the world’s men can’t not be into me and someone finally relents.

Jokes. But really, if you still can’t get over it, go buy a pair of shoes. They’ll definitely be into you ;)

Love R x