30 Day No Online Dating Challenge - Day 1: The Detox

8am

I start the day with the swift deletion of anything on my phone that even remotely resembles a dating platform, the hardest of which to say goodbye to is my old friend, Tinder. It's just such an easy entertainment companion. I mean no matter how bad your day is, you know you're never more than one swipe away from feeling like there's so much untapped potential out there! Or how many people have no sense of reality or sanity. But oh well, such are the rules, so bye bye Tindy, I'll miss your sweet smell of validation.

To be fair, I feel positively whimsical in many ways. A little like the world is full of endless opportunities, everyone is an option and now that my eyes are lifted from the screen, I'll suddenly be able to see all the countless men I've been missing out on! The world is my oyster, now where my pearls at?! Maybe a stranger and I will lock eyes on the train this morning, coyly smiling at one another from across the carriage, my eyelashes furiously fluttering. Maybe he'll take it as a sign that he should walk over and the next thing you know, he turns out to be a 31 year old Advertising aficionado with a political streak. We'll go out for cocktails in a retro bar and that's that, it'll be the start of my one great love in a house with a tiger rug by the fire (fake fur only thanks). 9am Yeah nah, so what actually happens is I run insanely late and end up in an Uber with a guy who I am 100% sure, is the real life Dory from Finding Nemo. As I sit in the car, he offers me a piece of candy (girl, strangers driving cars and offering ya candy? Everything mumma taught us not to do) and asks me if the radio station is ok and then about 3 minutes later, offers me candy again and asks if the radio is ok! This then repeats for the next 12 or so minutes and I start to feel a little like I'm not sure if he's legit and where I'm being driven to? But the map seems to be alright and I get there alive. Too bad he wasn't hot though, another opportunity wasted. 11:30am One of the perks of this whole no online dating thing is the option to look up and actually see real life people as options and there's definitely a dude working in my client building who I be feelin' tings for. Too bad everytime we end up in the same vicinity, I end up sounding like I'm communicating in a language I've just made up. Grade 7 Rahat emerges from her deep, dark, yellow sweater vest and Eeyore the donkey scented paper world and starts to take a hold over me. It's 2002 all over again and I might as well be saying 'So do you like cheese!!???' as he stares at me like I've been mentally held back at school. I felt actually sweat coming out of my eyebrows when he was talking. I can't help it! He has accents and deep stares and primitive features. I have feels! It's an ideal match. I'm planning the wedding, but let's not hold our breath here. 2pm It's really starting to hit me that I've really committed to 30 days of no instant gratification. I've reached for my phone like 5 times today just thinking I'll have a casual swipe to see what's around. I mean it doesn't help that I'm in the middle of nowhere (not really, it's only North Sydney, I'm just so extra) locked in a concrete fortress (now I know how Rapunzel felt) with the same 5 people all day, every day. All the baristas in the cafe downstairs are women too, like hell man, where am I going to meet someone?!?? Luckily my girlfriends snap me back to reality by telling me this is how normal people live every day. Reassuring. 6:30pm Public transport breeds hot people. Too bad it's socially unacceptable to hit on someone at peak hour. On the train home, I spot about 50 guys who are definitely out of my league but well within my physical reach. I obviously do absolutely nothing because legit who talks to anyone on the train in Sydney? A relatively old guy sits down next to me and starts calling someone on his phone UPSIDE DOWN and on speaker and I try not to laugh at him. But then he gets off the train and some other dude sits down. He's sort of nerdy cute, like he reads sci-fi, but I can forgive. Like a Dr. Who meets Michael Cera vibe. About two minutes later though, I hear a 'GODDAMNIT!' and he looks up from his phone frustrated. Dis guy be playing candy crush and he screwed up his level. Nah fam, not today. I ain't hittin on no candy crush playin' scientist. This just ain't my life. He continues to exhale loudly and very soothingly actually (weird?). I get off the train and head home to see my sister who is here to visit. Not feeling as optimistic as this morning, but hey, 29 days to go! Date tally at end of Day 1: 0 Till tomorrow! R xx