Committed or Constrained: Is Monogamy Realistic in 2016?

About a year and a half ago I wrote a post on this very blog that tore apart and introspected the concept of monogamy. That piece was dually inspired - first by my having just finished the celebrated sexual anthropology book, 'Sex at Dawn' and secondly by the fact that I was desperately trying to be ok with the fact that someone I wanted to be in an exclusive relationship with was not giving me the luxury of doing so. So I did what any smart dating blogger would do, I delved deep into the science (much of which is incredibly correct and compelling) and convinced myself monogamy was an unrealistic, anti-human concept and that I was better off adhering to my genetically ancestral instinct of multiple loves.

Now, with the benefit of hindsight, age, self-growth and frankly the discarding of my doomed Mr. Commitment-phobe, the world seems a little singular once more. Being 25, it's both surprising (in today's 30 is the new 20 world) yet unsurprising (we love the fairytale) that so many of my girlfriends are finding themselves engaged and walking down the aisle. As the proposals pile up and the wedding gown shopping trips book in, I find my inner romantic slowly seeping back to the surface. But in the back of my mind, I still ask with the science so spot on and the divorce rate through the roof, are we all just doomed before we even begin to fall in love?

A couple of weeks ago I was sitting in the communal kitchen in my office with one of my best girlfriends who was trying to convince me (very passionately and sincerely might I add), that marriage changes the level of commitment people have in a relationship. Married herself for 4 happy years, it seemed only legitimate she would be making such an argument. Yet in spite of her earnest attempts, I remain unconvinced. I told her straight out, you can set expectations of commitment from the get-go, regardless of the ring or not. She disagreed and said marriage is like a contract both parties sign, it increases the onus on following through because breaching it means a lot of complex follow-up. Again, I disagreed, quoting the divorce rate (over 50%). In the middle of this debate, I also accidentally let slip that I thought men were much more likely to stray than females because evolutionarily, that's how we were wired. Men sow their seed, women seek shelter for their young. So who needs a contract? If any partner is going to stray or lose commitment, it'll happen regardless of if they walked down the aisle with you or simply live with you and sleep in your bed. Naturally, she did not agree, at all. Call it pre-historic, call it backwards or call it science, I stood by my claim (and so does the research). She told me I was cynical based on my string of infatuated and whirlwind romances with a bunch of commitment-phobic jerks. I remained undecided.

If you look at it objectively, the truth is built on a foundation of commercial trade, marriage was originally conceptualised as a way for men to exchange power and trade through the gifting of their daughters to the other party where money fell short. In many ways, it is an archaic, misogynistic tradition that suppresses the rights of women. But of course, somewhere along the way, the Cinderellas and Sleeping Beauties of the world were imagined up, reshaping the way we approached love and matrimony forever. Suddenly it was about finding your one true love and spending eternity loving them unconditionally.

But that was hundreds of years ago. In a market that is so digitally disrupted that even love stands as no exception, it's no wonder monogamy is losing its relevance and more importantly, appeal today. Once the sole purpose for even getting engaged, the countless liberation movements in recent decades have meant that sex is traded like a commodity today, available at the touch (or swipe) of a finger, good-looking men and women ripe for the picking everywhere you turn. We're being swallowed by the paradox of choice everywhere we look. The minute we acquire a version of anything, be it a phone, laptop or woman, there's already a better model being tapped into out there. We're riddled with options; we can always upgrade, even if there's nothing wrong with the version we're on. How else will we keep up and alleviate our alarmingly high fear of missing out? Many of my married girlfriends look with envy at my single lifestyle and crave the so-called freedom I have the luxury of, berating me for not exploiting it to its full potential. Sleep around, date all kinds of men, explore every fantasy you've ever had, you'll regret it when you're married. When I express to them that the grass is really not as green as they think on the other side and that I have no interest in pursuing hollow and frivolous relationships that lack chemistry and potential, the frustration and confusion is painted all over their face.

As a woman, I find myself on edge and guilty of doing something every girl does, whether they care to admit it or not. I look around at the cohort of females I consider in my league (or perceive to be anyway) and compare every single thing about myself against them. Is she taller, thinner, fatter, darker, lighter, more educated, less wealthy, more traveled and most importantly, is she competing for the same type of man I'm after? If she and I were in a room together, who would my ideal guy approach first? How can I outshine her if I had to? The thing is, no matter how sure I am of myself and no matter how high my opinion of me (pretty bloody high), today's revolving door of choice and the flippancy with with we choose our partners means even the most secure woman feels like she's now fighting the hard fight if she wants to find a lasting love. It's no longer just about finding a guy or the guy, it's about THE BEST so we don't feel the pressure to swap him out. If it's not how we look that we're worried about, it's how much we make, or how funny or smart we are against the next girl. We wonder if our partners would switch us up for a younger, hotter, fitter model and vice versa - if we should exchange ours too. How can anyone truly commit to the concept of monogamy when our thinking today is already to have one foot out the door before we even begin?

My parents have been married for 27 years. A mean feat in the modern romantic climate. Does this mean it's been an easy, breezy, beautiful cover girl 2.5 decades? Not in the slightest. There have been days where they've wanted to walk away, couldn't agree, couldn't stand the thought of being in the same room. They both know they don't have to do it - be married. They're both successful people in their own right, able to pick up and move forward if they need to in a respectful and children-friendly way. But they both made a commitment and more importantly a choice to try. They want to stay together. They want to work it out through the tough times and they want to live with each other instead of without. And that's why even today, relationships aren't as dead as they seem.

Yes, the science may tell us we're destined to fail, but the Mayans thought the world would end in 2012 and here I am still trying to figure out love, relationships and everything in between. The simple fact is that monogamy is not a genetic birthright yes, but it is a choice. As humans, our complex cognitive ability allows us to evolve beyond what we were once destined to achieve and that's why we try to be faithful and fight nature, because we want to grow. For those of us who know what it's like to have truly fallen in love with someone, we know we don't have to devote our hearts, minds and souls to these people but we're choosing to because we're determined to hold on to that feeling no matter what the statistics might say.

Maybe my Mr. Commitment-phobe had a point and maybe my old-school romantic self was better off back when I wrote that oh-so pragmatic post 1.5 years ago, saving myself all the heartache I have already suffered and will continue to endure.

But if monogamy is a choice and ultimately my decision, the inner optimist in mr can't help but take a leaf out of Cinderella's book and patiently hold on for my happily ever after a little bit longer.

R xx