Why Do Women Love Assholes?

Hello, hello!

After what feels like an eternity, I’m finally back. I apologise for the radio silence. In the midst of starting a new job in PR & Communications, shopping for my new PR wardrobe and the never-ending social commitments that swallow entire weekends, I’ve been rather neglectful when it’s come to writing on here. Then there’s also the fact that I haven’t been dating at all recently and for the first time, it’s been entirely because it’s my choice. It’s been a fun hiatus to explore other parts of my life, catch-up with friends and spend my days dashing about the busy Sydney streets, but now I can assure you, I am well and truly back and ready to once again share my funsightful experiences on love, life and beyond.

I’ve been working a lot on brainstorming new ideas for blog content and you’ll soon be seeing a few big changes on here. Think more fashion, more posts, more personalised content and a whole lot of interesting stories. So stay tuned for that. But for now, let’s dive into what brought my fingers back to the keyboard.

“So I’m dating two different guys at the moment.” I looked down at my phone two nights ago to a text from my best friend who lives halfway across the world.

Oh god, I thought to myself. This couldn’t possibly end well.

“Wait…I thought you were only with Tim?*" (*Name has been changed to protect all parties)

I wasn’t quite sold on Tim. Consistency is key and I didn’t think he had much of it. Her text pinged back almost immediately.

“I am, but now I met this other guy, Sam. And he’s literally amazing.’

I hesitated for a minute. What exactly did ‘literally amazing’ constitute?

"Oh? Tell me more."

"He took me to dinner at the most amazing restaurant on our first date, paid for everything, he cooks breakfast for me, calls and texts me, shows up on time and is just such a gentleman. But…"

Uh oh, nothing good ever comes from ‘but’.

"But?"

"But he’s just too nice. Like he’s got absolutely no arrogance at all. I feel like I’m so attracted to Tim because he’s got that man’s man thing about him."

I paused, my initial reaction a cocktail of understanding, anxiety and dismissal. How could she let such a great guy go BECAUSE he wasn’t a tool?! What the hell had the world come to? But in the middle of my text back telling her she was insane, a thought crossed my mind. Was she really though? Insane that is. After all, wasn’t I guilty of the EXACT same thing? I couldn’t possibly count how many times I’d turned down someone who was a caring, put-together individual with potential for a real, loving relationship because he didn’t have that alpha edge I was looking for. That air of confidence that made him a man’s man and brought a rush of excitement into my stomach every time I saw him and yet he was a true gentleman. Why was it that the two things had to be mutually exclusive?

You often hear men complain that all the good girls end up with assholes and vice versa. I agree and I think I finally know why. Whilst I definitely don’t speak for all of us, most women are seeking a partner who is confident, self-assured, able to make decisions and acts like a grown man. This means he’s financially stable, well-mannered, grooms himself well and has an air of security about who he is. He’s protective of his woman and his family, soft internally with a harder shell to deal with all the crap the outside world will throw your way. He doesn’t have to be the tallest, the sexiest, the most physically attractive or fittest, but he needs to be poised and well-kept. Some people would call this kind of man an illusion or a flashback from the 1950s and my favourite, downright unrealistic. But I don’t think we’re really asking for all that much.

And if that’s the ideal, what we’re seeing today is almost completely the opposite. Immersed in a culture of the 6-pack obsessed gym-selfies and cuffed maroon pants (seriously what the hell is with this trend and when will it die?), the majority of men a woman in her 20s meets today can’t even tailor a sentence much less a shirt. They can’t even commit to a text, forget a lifetime. Most (and at all ages between 20 – 40 years old) seem to have no clue what they want or where their life is going and are happy ‘kickin’ it’ and ‘going with the flow’, two phrases that literally translate to ‘I don’t have enough self-respect to put a plan in place for my future.’ Harsh, but true. The guys we meet today seem to lack confidence entirely, scarred by insecurities of the past, reeking of self-pity and apathy. They’ve all got mommy issues, need someone to map out their every move for them and can’t pull themselves together long enough to leave an impression. Or you get the other end of the stick with guys overcompensating for their hollow personalities and lack of genuine awareness with their bold arrogance and sense of self-entitlement. These are the men who want a trophy girlfriend to show off to their buddies. If you try to crack beneath the surface of these men, all you find is a deep-seeded insecurity and a lack of self-worth. Like, where all the real men at?!

But you see the biggest problem of all is that I blame the women. I know, so controversial, much wow. It’s just that somewhere along the path to liberation, I think we’ve forgotten what it’s like to have standards. We cater to the trophy fantasy, allow the men in our life to stamp in and out at their own convenience because we too, have such a deeply rooted sense of insecurity inside us. We sleep around because we don’t want to be seen as prudish and give in to contouring our faces until our inner Kylie Jenner emerges. We cater to the idea that we’re only worthy of anything when a guy wants us. We’ve lowered the bar so far down to the ground that it almost feels like we’ve opened the front gates so wide that just about anyone can walk in and have a meander through the grounds. Women today either entertain expectations so high you’d think the man had to hop through a burning hoop of flames or so low that even a ‘Sup dawg’ text at 2:00am is considered romantic. We’re all missing the point here and most importantly, the balance.

So where does this leave us? Why do women choose assholes over nice guys? The truth is, on some level it feels like we have no choice. The nice ones lack the assertion and surety we’re after. They don’t make us feel like they’re going to sweep us off our feet into a tight, possessive hug and protect us from the storm that is life. So we allow arrogance to stand as substitute for confidence. We forgive the jerk-like behaviour because the trade-off is a man who gives the illusion of having his shit together (but does absolutely not in ANY WAY whatsoever) and knows how to bring that sense of giddy attraction we’re looking for. We know he’s not going to call us back and might flake at the last minute, but we look past it because it only adds to the high and the thrill of being wanted by such an enigmatic, mysterious man. We feel like somewhere deep down, he’s probably busy being successful and confident somewhere else, slayin’ and playin’ you know what I mean? Meanwhile the nice guy is still letting us decide where we want to go to lunch two hours later.

Maybe my ideas of the perfect man are dated (or totally single, ha ha) and archaic. Maybe this isn’t the age of the gentleman, but rather a time of liberated sexual commoditisation and self-discovery on the part of both guys and girls alike. And if that truly is the case, maybe I’ll just switch my ‘Breakfast at Tiffany’s’ loop on Netflix back on and reminisnce about the good old times just a little bit longer.

R xx

Is the age of the asshole really upon us? Tell me your thoughts in the comments below!