Six Annoying Things Guys do on Tinder

I have been getting WAY too many requests from you guys for the longest time to do a Tinder related blog post and even though I think Tinder is sometimes the garbage tip of humanity, when my people speak, I listen.

So obviously, like any good blogger, I downloaded the app to have a flick through and even though I really wanted to be positive and non-judgemental, I found it more challenging than saying no to a new pair of Louboutins. Like, I'm only human after all. As I swiped my way to oblivion, all I kept experiencing was the trauma of all these men just making such bad life decisions, is the only way I can put it honestly.

From photos that look like they're better suited in a prison, the WORST pick-up lines I've ever heard and hurling insults, I feel like the struggle for humanity has never been so real.

Thus, I present to you, the 6 most annoying things guys do on Tinder:

1. Post pictures that have absolutely no relevance to dating, are too blurry to see, have too many people in them, have 50 women surrounding them, are way too close, are way too far....do you want me to continue?

If I had a dollar for every time I've seen a profile picture of a car on Tinder, I'd probably be rich enough to have my own dating app or buy my future husband by now. I don't get why guys do this and never will. Do I want to date your car? Or your dog? Or your eyebrow for those guys who zoom in so close, you can see every open pore? How hard is it to take a decent photo?! Unless you are missing your thumbs, there is literally no excuse on earth for not having two normally framed photos of yourself on Tinder. Why would you even want me to see a photo so close that I can see your nostril hair anyway? What could I possibly gain from that image, but more importantly, what the hell could you possibly get out of it? Not this booty, that's fo sho. It's not rocket science people, it's just called a selfie.

Apparently it's been statistically proven by the totally legit survey I did on like 7 guys at work that photos without your top on definitely get the girls over ones without (provided you don't look like a pale 12 year old boy under your shirt). SO FINE, whatever, keep taking your top off. But don't take your top off AND stand next to your car/dog/cat/massive house/niece/nephew/grandmother/local community centre/charity shop. That's just overkill. Same goes for having 50 women surrounding you. We get it, you're popular, and women love you or at least tolerated you for a photo. But this is one place where reverse psychology is not your friend. Because automatically, the woman choosing to swipe left or right will start to compare herself to the girls in your photo I(f she hasn't already assumed you're a douchebag player) and then assess her hotness level against them. And if there's even one girl hotter, you just lost yourself a chance at true love baby. On Tinder.

2. Match you then never message or unmatch

Because men cannot even commit to sending a message. Give up, go home. Just kidding (but not really). Men don't use Tinder like women do and we must accept this very correct fact. Basically guys swipe right on EVERYTHING that even remotely looks like the outline of a woman - including the default silhouette photo of the girl Tinder gives you when you put no profile picture up. This is obviously a tactic utilised to maximise chances of finding a match. But once they have a decent kitty, then they go back and actually CHECK the matches they've got and find out they should've checked your other photos or read your bio that says you're into eating glue and brushing your dog's hair four times a day. Anyone can look good in one photo, but that second photo of your unibrow suddenly doesn't look that fly. Hence, no message.

But you're like, okay so fine they won't message so why won't they just unmatch me? That's because one night, when he's out with his best buds and they're all picking up and he's not, he'll remember your unibrow and the angels from heaven will descend upon him in realisation. You, you are the hairy light at the end of his lonely tunnel. That's when you'll get that 'Heyyy gurl' message you've been waiting so long for. I know, what a keeper, you hold on to him real tight girl.

3. Talk only in emojis

If only I could explain how frustrating this is on paper, but no words have yet been invented to convey these very powerful emotions I feel. Emojis were invented as a cute way to REINFORCE your words or avoid answering colleagues on office chat portals who are asking you about work you have either not done yet, have no knowledge about or have no intention of doing. They are a SUPPLEMENTARY tool to language and not to be used in lieu of it. How hard is this to comprehend?

To the guy who starts a conversation with the eggplant emoji. I can't even. Bye Felicia. Sending a girl a champagne emoji is not asking her out for a drink, it's sending her an emoji of a drink. Now if you followed that up or pre-empted it with the words 'Would you like to go out for a drink sometime?' then that is cute and adorable and totally smiley-face return worthy. Not one woman on this earth is trying to date or even just hook up with a man who is too illiterate to type a single sentence out to her.

Also - some of the emojis are actually very versatile to understand and can be interpreted in multiple ways. E.g. the poo emoji is apparently a chocolate ice-cream emoji. How am I supposed to know if you're asking me to go out for some ice-cream or telling me I resemble poop? Or the girl pushing her hair up emoji? Is it attitude or 'I'm fabulous'?

Use your words Junior.

4. Dr. Phil you with TMI

We get it, your ex broke your heart. And then the one after that and the one after that and the one after that. And your mum didn't hug you that one night after you fell down in the playground because Stuart the fat kid who ate your lunch every single day was bullying you. And it scarred you for life and now you make bad grocery decisions because of an inherent fear of your lunch abandoning you. We get it. But do you really need to tell me all this 12 minutes into our conversation? Like, how about we just talk about how your day was for a minute?

This is possibly one of the quickest ways to turn a woman off you other than sending her a photo of your toes or asking for one of hers and/or describing the details of your cat's hair. Yes, girls like feelings and emotions and deep and meaningfuls, but not when we don't even know your surname. And if you're still hung up on your ex and need to talk about, I can give you a hotline, because you sure won't be blinging mine.

I'm cancelling my subscription cause clearly you got more issues than vogue.

5. Respond like you're talking to them in Swahili

This happens more than it should and I have no explanation other than the man you are talking to is basically socially inept and/or too slow to pick up on the banter which they start but then cannot finish. More than once I have read texts sent by guys to my girlfriends that start with some super clever line they googled, my girlfriend responds and then they come back with something purely unrelated and ridiculous because Google can't help yo ass be witty now. It looks something like this:

Guy: Thank god I'm wearing gloves.

Girl: Why's that?

Guy: Because you're too hot to handle.

Girl: Haha, that's actually quite cute. I look more dangerous than I really am ;)

Guy: Lol. Do you like pizza?

LEGIT. This is what a conversation looks like. Because now he's going to have to think of a flame joke and he doesn't know enough about physics or fire or the English language in general to be able to respond. So he goes and types in 'fire jokes' into Google but still can't come up with something and decides 'LOL' is the way to go from here followed by a conversation divergence. To pizza. If you're going to be clever, at least do it for longer than it took a girl to write her message back to you. No amount of shirtless photos can stop you from being unmatched once you've done this, I guarantee it.

6. Say something super sexual and/or mean and derogatory

We've all had that guy who opens with some dirty joke or suggestion. If you're super, mega, ridiculously hot, sometimes a woman will let you get away with it. Or if she's literally on there to hit it and quit it.

But most of the time, this is a for-sure way to get a woman to unmatch you faster than you can say 'sexy'. We get it, you're a guy, you have thoughts about sex. That doesn't mean you vocalise them 19 seconds into the conversation (and I use that term so loosely). Keep it in your pants, ya nasty.

And then there's always that one guy who tries to create sexual banter and when you become unresponsive or don't reply, his award-winning tactic is to hurl insults at you until you're clearly charmed into defeat and straight into his arms. And from my extensive research, the success rate of this tactic is -5505 because what woman wants to be insulted into love? Exactly. Examples of abuse hurled include:

'No one would date you anyway, I was doing you a favour!'

'Why would you waste my time by being on here and not replying? Don't you have a life?'

'I'm going to unmatch you. You're ugly!'

'You don't know what you've missed out on!'

Obviously I'm much more generous with their grammatical and spelling abilities (oh god, a whole other blog of its own. Can people not write basic English anymore?!) but you get the picture. Telling a girl how ugly she is or how little you care for her might work if you're seeking someone with clear issues and a need for deep self-esteem analysis, but with any other self-confident girl, you'll probably get a rude emoji and an unmatch notification. I don't know what school of stupidity some men learn this tactic from but I'll be damned if they're not billionaires. If I can't love you when you were being nice, I sure as hell won't love you when you're telling me how unattractive I am. Now Bye Felicia.

Obviously this list is in no way exhaustive, but it is exhausting. I swear I need to take up yoga just to practice my breathing exercises while swiping. Can't even.

Until next time!

R xx