A Date with C-Dawgee - Rap Maestro

Hey hey hey my people! Happy New Year to all my blog readers, single and beyond.

I know it's basically February already and all of you are already starting to think about Valentines Day (again, really?) as I write this post at the end of January. What can I say except, it's been a bang start to the year with a new job, new attitude and new perspective all hitting me at once, so I do sincerely apologise for my delay in writing. BUT, formal apologies aside, welcome to LL&L in 2016!

Obviously it wouldn't be the start of a new year if I wasn't going on yet another tragic date. I started this year out thinking I'd refrain from engaging with people who are about as dataeable as a foot, but somehow I seem to be the Universe's designated mecca for morons.

The Set-Up

This is what went down. After swimming a 6km session and then proceeding to walk for an hour, I entered my local Coles two nights ago thinking I'd find something to eat, go home and watch The Bachelor and then pass out from all the exhaustion I'd endured. Instead, I walked down the cereal aisle and straight into this 6'3, African-American (I'm talking Michael Ealy/Drake vibes people) man with a great smile and New York drawl who is innocently chatting to the Coles attendant.

He wanted some oats. Meanwhile, Aaron from Coles had just joined and was looking around like....where the hell are the oats? It was apparently his first day and it was definitely showing. So before Aaron could have a coronary from the panic of actually providing service as a Customer Service attendant, I decided to be a good samaritan seeing as I was standing RIGHT IN FRONT of the oats and pointed them out. African-American guy was obviously overwhelmed with joy, said thanks, started talking to me, told me his name is Caleb* (name protected more for my safety than his) and also told me he thought I was a super cool girl. Which I obviously am and he was most right to acknowledge this. He then asked me out for a drink and I said I'd think about it and he said he'd call.

Thinking I'd finally met someone in a grocery aisle just like the movies and I was basically going to marry him because he gave me Drake vibes....I have to admit people, I became a tad too optimistic. Because this is what actually ensued.

The Fateful Night

We decide to meet up for a drink in Darling Harbour, surrounded by bustling crowds and live music. The atmosphere is practically asking for romantic propserity, but then again, what does it know about my previous trauma. Thinking it's basically the middle of the week and I'd rather remain alive, I order a Lemon Lime Bitters and sit opposite this great smelling, great looking and clearly articulate male. That already feels like a jackpot.

As we start talking and the conversation goes something like this:

Me: 'so what do you do?

Him: I'm into music.

My first thought is, oh god, please be employed (#sorrynotsorry).

Me: Cool! What kind of music?

Him: Actually I worked for a record label. I was a rapper.

What even....

Me: Oh cool! You said you worked...and you were a rapper? You don't still?

Him: Uhhhhh, yeah, the record label.....it kind of went into insolvency. So then I kind of had to give up rapping because there was no more....money. You can still listen to my music though.

Me: Oh really? Lovely...where?

Him: Yeah, Soundcloud! My first single is called '2 Bullets, 1 Face'.

Oh god, he is unemployed and possibly a murder. Explains the Drake vibes though.

Me: Uhhhhhh. Okay. Interesting...

Him: It's a metaphor. It ain't really about a face. It's about the economy and our greed.

Me: Wow that's deep.

Why the hell is he rapping about the economy?!

Him: Yeah, it's deep.

Me: Right, right. So uh, how was being a rapper? What was your uh.....rap name?

Him: Oh, it was freaking awesome. Let me spell it out for ya girl...'C dash D - A - W - G - E -E' !

I bite my lip and try not to laugh into my drink. I've done it again, I've found a dreamer.

Me: C-Dawgee? Wow, that is uh...that's some name. What happened to C-Dawg?

Him: Oh nah, that was taken babe. He's another entertainer in LA.

Of course he is. How could I not know this? Of course C-Dawg is already a human out there. Since I'm basically fighting every single urge in my body to either run away from this date or laugh out loud like the hyenas from Lion King, I don't know why I think it's a good idea to somehow delve EVEN FURTHER into his life and ask even more questions about how and why he got into rap. Because I'm stupid, that's why.

Me: So uhh...what got you into rap, C-Dawgee? Can I call you that? Or just...

Him: Nah nah, Caleb is fine. You ain't media.

I don't think anyone from the media is talking to him unless it's for unquoting him in an article...but sure, I'll take it. He continues.

Him: I loved NWA you know, Dr Dre, Ice Cube and shiet. They were two of my biggest influences. That and my ma always knew I was going to be big. A big, big rap star.

Me: Oh? Did you perform at school shows or something?

And now people, the part I couldn't make up if I tried. The cherry on top of this rap cake.

Him: Nah. I came up with this amazing rap to the sick beat of 'Bananas in Pyjamas'.

What in the actual did he just say....did he just use the words Bananas and Pyjamas and sick beat together? WHAT SICK BEAT WAS THERE IN BIP?

Me: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....you mean the - (he cuts me right off)

Him: Yeah the 'Na na na, na na na na, na na na na na naaaaaaaaaaah'

Oh my lord, that is the BANANAS IN PYJAMAS THEME SONG. THAT IS NOT A SICK BEAT. HOW WILL I CONTROL MY LAUGHTER NOW. WHERE DO I FIND THESE MEN?

Me: PLEASE can you sing the rap for me? To the uhhh...'sick beat'?

DON'T LAUGH RAHAT, DON'T LAUGH. Then as you can imagine, he proceeds to sing the tune followed by the lyrics 'Banana 1 is into Banana 2, come upstairs girl, whatchu gonna do?' at which point I actually guffaw and my drink starts to leak out of my glass and mouth and the laughter erupts. Somehow he seems delighted and is actually thinking I'm enjoying this and bopping along. I look up to the sky. Sweet Baby J, what have I ever done to you that i deserve this fate? WHY DO YOU KEEP SENDING ME THE CRAZIES?! I can only blink in utter confusion and horror and delusional amusement at C-Dawgee as he continues to sing this rap until its inevitable end. He looks at me with an expression of self-appreciation and sex appeal and I actually think I'm going to pee myself.

Needless to say, the date ends with C-Dawgee inviting me to the launch of his new album 'WOOF TO THE WOOF. NO PEOPLE, THAT IS NOT A TYPO. No it's not a fancy accent misinterpretation I made for the word 'roof' because I ASK HIM, 'You mean roof? Like raise the roof?' and he replies, 'NAH GIRL! WOOF TO THE WOOF. Like a dog!' He also gives me a backstage pass option. I think I'm just taking the I'll pass option instead. I did ask him what he does for a living now that his career is on hold and the answer was Energy company call center operator. I'm looking at you love gods, don't you make racially profiled dating puns at my expense. Sending me a Drake call center worker will not make me embrace my inner Indian housewife.

Look, in all fairness to C-Dawgee, he's a total non sleaze and does not try anything handsy with me, so good boy (unintentional dog reference).

I don't know what the karmic gods will hold for me this year in the dating world, but I know for sure I am so not walking around in Coles alone anymore. Especially not in my pyjamas with any bananas...

Love R

xxx