Modernella - The Relatable Fairytale

We’ve all read the fairytales, old Cinders, Sleeping Beauts, Little Merwoman. But how many of us have really experienced this fantasy? Exactly what I thought. Resulting from a totally random conversation with my best work girlfriend D, I present to you a fairytale you can actually relate to:

Modernella – the Princess of Realityville

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful, funny and charming girl named Modernella who lived in the Kingdom of Realityville. No, her hair wasn’t as golden as corn, her complexion was not pale as the finest porcelain and nor was she slender and delicate as a swaying sunflower in the summer sun. Instead, this girl had fabulous voluminous locks that even Beyonce would be jealous of when blow-dried, her skin was slightly discoloured from the Realityville epidemic of acne and she had a little extra cushion for the pushin’ because she liked the occasional pizza and wine night in.

Modernella lived in a beautiful house with her parents and sister, who was also beautiful and intelligent. Dam straight. Her parents loved her very much but kept her guarded in her room to stop Modernella from going out into the big bad world where there were demons and dragons. And also because they wanted Modernella to be really good at math (#brownprincesslife). So they gave Modernella hundreds of books so she could study and learn and become an intelligent little girl who would one day be a beautiful, strong Princess.

Ever since she was a little girl, Modernella was lost in her own world. She read countless books and watched endless movies with Queen Meg Ryan and King Tom Hanks who raised her expectations to unrealistic heights and hoped for one thing and one thing only: to find true love. Though Modernella had no idea what true love really was besides finding a glass slipper on some steps outside of some random guy’s house, Modernella was enamoured by the idea of this intangible feeling that could grip your heart and soul and make you chase down a stranger at the airport. Or wake up from a coma of poison. Or fit into a pair of shoes that were clearly half a size too big if they even fell off to begin with.

As she grew up, Modernella tried to find love everywhere she went. Through her high school years, she even tried dating several Dukes (pronounced as ‘Douche’) however these suitors did not suit her at all. Their skins and hearts were black as the midnight sky and they never called or replied to Modernella back on her magic message transmitting device. Modernella was confused and wondered why these bachelors would take her out on dates but never call her back or worse, talk about her behind her back and date her other friends when she wasn’t around. She felt this couldn’t be love and decided not to see them again. Also she basically had no choice because Modernella’s parents found out she was hanging out with these Dukes instead of getting her science project done and that resulted in a royal caning.

When she entered University, Modernella once again found many potential Princes. They were tall, white as the freshest milk of the finest cow in the Kingdom of Realityville. Once more, Modernella’s hopes were raised and she fell into her world of watching endless movies with Prince Gosling and Princess McAdams. But once again, it was not to be for Modernella, who discovered these young Princes only wanted to use her to complete their assignments and to help them pass complex units they couldn’t be bothered studying for. At first, Modernella hoped that by helping them, she could win their hearts, but alas, it did not work. Instead Modernella ended up in the library on late nights, eating bags full of crispy potato treats and suffering from mangy dog hair syndrome whereby her hair turned into that of a poodle’s fur that hadn’t been washed in months. She survived the experience and graduated with great grades (as did the many Princes whose assignments she co-wrote…morons).

Though Modernella lived in a Kingdom, her parents were not part of the aristocracy and that meant Modernella had to go to work. By the time she started her first job at a Royal Advisory Agency for regal business, many of Modernella’s best friends had found their Princes and she was hopeful she would too. Modernella wished she could write fairytales instead and books about love, but she met amazing people and started to enjoy her new job. Months later, Modernella was walking through the halls, Modernella spotted a tall, slightly weird looking gawky suitor, who reminded her of a slightly deranged cat but had the charm of a long-reigning Monarch. As he approached her, she felt a rush of butterflies in her stomach and decided she was in love with this gawky stranger. Kind of stupid on Modernella’s part seeing as she didn’t even bother to validate it wasn’t food poisoning or appendicitis and jumped to conclusions. Good job Modernella.

Because this was the Kingdom of Realityville, the evils of the world lurked at every corner and Modernella soon discovered this man was not her Prince. Or at least he certainly did a terrible job of proving he was. He treated Modernella really mean so he could keep her really keen, but the fool didn’t realise that when Modernella was already keen, there was no reason to be mean to begin with (men, seriously). As time passed, Modernella found out the suitor she so wanted was cursed. Years earlier an old hermit had cast a spell on him dooming him to a life of loneliness and isolation. She thought she could fight this curse with love, but the powers of the spell were too strong and everytime Modernella tried, the magical shield of deflection would rise and Modernella was thrown back in a fit of powerful force. Eventually, Modernella gave up and decided love couldn’t be this hard.

Feeling defeated, Modernella and her friends decided to go out (many of whom were now Princesses with many a handsome Prince) and sip cocktails under an enormous red apple tree in their favourite Realityville field, Modernella accidentally knocked against the enormous tree trunk behind her and a big, juicy, red apple fell on her head. Hungry from her busy day and all the gossip about the royal pains in the ass of the Kingdom, Modernella rubbed the apple against her corset and sunk her teeth into the apple for a bite. As she chewed, she suddenly remembered, she realised she could still find love! All she had to do was log on to the magic portal to the land of Tinderville, a faraway town full of young men waiting to find their Princesses. She opened her magic message transmitting device and created a profile. Soon her device was beeping a unicorn tone ‘LA LA LA! HERE COMES YOUR PRINCE!’ and Modernella was overwhelmed with joy! She could find the most eligible men in the land now all from her magic device and meet them in the middle in a mutual territory between Realityville and Tinderville called ‘Promiseland’.

Months passed, Modernella went on ENDLESS dates. She met countless suitors, some of them good, some of them bad, most of them very odd and caring for awkward animals known as ‘rocks’. A lot of the suitors she met turned out to be much shorter than their Tinderville portal photos, some of them were fatter and some of them she figured out would soon realise should be seeking Princes instead of Princesses (#controversial). After months and months of trying, Modernella was fed up and burst into tears. Why couldn’t she find love anywhere? Was she destined to be a lonely spinster forever? Modernella comfort ate some more pizza, scrubbed some more toothpaste on her acne and used a couple of magical bad words that she cannot write about here because it would be most un-Princesslike.

Just as Modernella had lost all hope, she went to work one day and discovered there was an amazing new position available for someone who loved fairytales and writing about love! Modernella couldn’t believe her eyes! Here was a job that would let her follow her passion! She applied for the job and the Realityville Gods smiled upon her and she was given the position! Her new role would be ‘Queen of Hearts’.

A QUEEN! WOW A QUEEN! And that’s when Modernella finally realised something she should’ve known all along. She didn’t need a Prince to be a Princess because she was a QUEEN! True love wasn’t something she could seek and she didn’t need it to be everything she wanted to be! It was something that just happened, like her new job! What her romantic comedy movies and Disney Princesses (some of whom are still colleagues with Modernella today) couldn’t teach her was that you can’t rush serendipity. She finally realised, who wanted to be a Princess when you could be a Queen?

That’s when Modernella bought herself a unicorn potion drink (coffee obviously), smiled to herself, went shopping for glass slippers and tottered off into the sunset to live happily ever after.

The End.