Should You Date a Colleague?

For those of you who follow my blog and have hopefully been wondering where I’ve been for the last 2 weeks, I’ve spent the last fortnight jet setting around Malaysia and Singapore for work and play, and I bring back with me lots of great insights.

Whilst traveling, I was talking to a colleague from another country about the chemistry between her and a guy from her home office. We’d all noticed they were all over each other and so I asked her why the two of them weren’t dating when it was so obvious they were very much into one another. At first she ‘Nahhed’ and ‘Naaawwed’ at me like most people do when confronted with questions about their grey area romantic prospects. But after some further gentle encouragement (intrusive, interrogative questioning) on my part, she admitted it was because her romantic interest had declared he didn’t date colleagues as a rule, so what could she do? This line struck a real chord with me, because boy, had I heard that one before.

As Management Consultants, we spend the majority of our time at work. We eat, sleep, breathe, cry, laugh and live consulting 5 – 7 days a week, 8 – 18 hours a day. Most of the people I work with are single, males in their 20s and 30s, earning well and with similar interests and intellect. Statistically speaking, it’s probably the best place someone could meet a guy or a girl who matches their lifestyle, age, career and intellectual requirements and isn’t your boss or married (please don’t do this, even I can’t help you here) so why in the hell would they write off the best chance they have at finding love?!

I hear you all screaming because Rahat, you don’t poo where you eat. You don’t bite the hand that feeds you, you don’t make a mess in the bed you sleep in etc. What if it doesn’t work out? Or you break-up messily? What if they cheat or worse, you cheat? Why would you want to put yourself in a position where you might have to go to work with that person every day and endure the awkwardness that comes from a failed work relationship?! Yeah well, even though I hear you all, I still say, yes, you should date your colleagues. At least if you’re looking for a relationship.

If you’re Luke, the committment-phobic narcissistic Hemsworth-look-alike who sits in the 8th cubicle on the 9th floor and are notoriously known for your shop-for-a-shag techniques inside AND outside the workplace, then no, don’t be hitting on your colleagues. All you want is a screw them then screw them relationship and you my friend, will be the guy that then mucks it up for everyone else. You using the women around the office as momentary ego boosts in bed is what will result in perfectly decent men having jaded experiences with your leftovers which will then result in a ‘No Colleague Dating’ ban imposed on all the women, including the great ones like me and my friend (and we are great). But if you’re looking for someone serious to date and aren’t afraid or averse to commitment, then there is no reason you cannot get with someone you work with.

Maybe I’m stupid or downright naive but I feel like a genuine romantic connection is simply incomparable to something as transferable and variant as a job. Even if you’re mildly good at your job, there isn’t a reason you couldn’t possibly find another if things really got serious or heated. Because honestly, how often will you come across someone that makes you feel the way Alexa on the 3rd floor Paralegal offices does? Or Leanne from your last Business Transformation project team? Are all those laughs, connections, meaningful exchanges, late nights spent texting and friends introduced all worth nothing in the face of a job? Money may be able to buy happiness but it sure can’t buy you a genuine connection.

Who’s to say there is less risk in meeting someone outside the workplace? What if you meet through mutual friends or family members? If it doesn’t work, do you swap family? Or lose your best friend? What if you meet at your favourite coffee shop and lock eyes over a mocha and a Babycino? Does that mean you give up your favourite beans because that’s where Steve your non-committal ex gets his coffee or Judy the insane cat lady buys her morning latte? I say, hair no. You man up and face the consequences, just like you would at work.

In my personal experience alone, I’ve watched 7 sets of friends (couples) get engaged to people whom they all met at work. In fact, 3 of those couples still work together and have not yet once reported any signs of awkwardness or disapproval from their fellow colleagues or management. And if you want to hear the flip side, I also know more than 3 couples who I’ve worked with that didn’t work out and continue to work together. One of them had such a bitter break up, that their mums had to get involved. Yet they continue to work in the same organisation and are both now happily dating other people and still have an occasional coffee.

Overtime I’ve learnt that most men who don’t explore to the colleague dating opportunity, do so because they fall within 3 categories. Most commonly of these is the guy with a previously traumatic workplace dating incident. He’s tried dating a colleague and it either ended so messily or in such heartbreak, he switched jobs and now he simply can’t bear the thought of having to go to work with an ex-love ever again.

Secondly are the men who generally have an inability to settle down in relationships at all and see their careers as the sole pinnacles of achievement in their lives. Most of these guys actually have a general fear of missing out on the so-called ‘amazing’ single life and a desire to seek the ‘perfect’ partner all and instead push away genuine connections in every form, workplace or otherwise. The issue here isn’t they won’t date colleagues, it’s more that they won’t really committed to dating any woman for that matter, because they simply haven’t yet figured out what they’re even looking for other than their next quickest trophy sexcapade and instant gratification bang because otherwise they’ll feel too ‘tied down’. These are the same guys who seem most active at picking up in a club and will surely be off grinding with every Mary, Betty and Joan (like from the good old 1950s) but can’t commit to dating Leanne from the office because she’s just not as discardable when she’s right up in their face every single day, asking why they didn’t call her back.

The last kind of man are those who are so happy and secure in the grey area that they’ll happily let a connection unfold in the workplace but never take it anywhere, not because they don’t want to, but because they’re so afraid of the rejection that could ensue. Unlike their committment-phobic counterparts, they’re not just in the grey area because they’re afraid to find a relationship, they’re actually just too afraid to make a move. Their respect, workplace boundaries and overall risk-taking levers all wreak havoc at once and they just can’t find the courage to ask the woman out. They’re so afraid it’ll ruin the vibe and they may get rejected, that they sit here. Forever. So rather than deal with their feelings, they simply ban themselves from dating colleagues so they can justify not making a move. To these men, I say buck up or give up because this is the most frustrating area for a girl to sit in if she likes you and if the chemistry is mutual, you’ll eventually end up spilling over into the ‘drunken hook-up’ space at the Xmas party. Imagine how much worse that’ll be than asking her to coffee #hardlyf.

So should you date your colleagues? I say yes. Life is all about the connections you make. If you meet someone who changes your world, makes you laugh, makes you weep with joy, shops with you for your hideous clothes or laughs at the same dumb sayings of your creepy colleague in cubicle 4, what’re you waiting for? Or how about understands the pain of working with that moron of a Manager that over promises everything then makes you work weekends to deliver (basically everyone in consulting)? If you even share a minor connection like this with a colleague, then really, you gotta prioritise here. You can always find another job but will you ever find that great girl or guy who just gets it, all of it, ever again? Do you really want a life of swiping left or right on a bunch of weirdos with foot fetishes, mamma drama and secret children or pet rocks? Then for god’s sake, quit your stupid rules and take a chance.

After all, what is romance without risk. Like my eccentric 5th Grade teacher always used to say, you gotta werk for your lovin’.

R xx

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