Are We Really Just Friends? A Guide to Why You’re Not the Girl in Girlfriend

Meet Felix. Felix is a brown-haired, blue-eyed, charming, sharp, incredibly intelligent and confident guy. He saunters through life independently and thinks emotions are for people with no brains. He’s had a string of casual relationships but isn’t looking to settle down any time soon. Felix thinks love can be scientifically disproven and stands by the rule, if it’s not logical, it’s not possible.

Meet Katherine. Wide-eyed, sharp-witted and pretty, Katherine takes enthusiasm and optimism to the next level. Her life is one big soap opera of emotion. You see, Katherine doesn’t just fall in love. Oh no, she plummets beyond all practical thinking and forgets there’s such a thing as common sense when looking for the right guy. An old-fashioned and endless romantic, Katherine is still waiting to meet the Mr. Darcy to her inner Elizabeth Bennett.

Felix and Katherine met two years ago and for some inexplicable reason, were drawn to one another. They have a sort of unspoken chemistry that words can’t articulate. Katherine, being Katherine, falls head over heels for Felix, drawn to the challenge of chasing a man who is the polar opposite of her hopeless romantic self. His quick wit and sharp mind form bubbles of Mr. Darcy-like perfection in Katherine’s head and she’s smitten with the idea that underneath the hardened shell, is a soft, runny, perfectly boiled egg. Felix however, doesn’t really do the whole ‘instantaneous spark’ thing. He finds Katherine’s sunny nature and friendly disposition discomforting, mostly because he finds himself experiencing feelings when he’s around her, a most inconvenient prospect. But the more Felix pushes Katherine away, the more she persists and Felix finds himself slowly unravelling and helpless around her pleasant nature. Before long they talk to each other every day, prefer to be alone in one another’s company, dine and wine and laugh together and even contemplate life decisions such as marriage and children. Voila, against all the odds, two years later, Felix and Katherine, are now friends.

No, no, wait, they’re good friends. No, no, wait, they’re actually really, really good friends. Some people might even say they’re best friends. But the question on everyone’s mind is, with chemistry so vibrant and an interaction so fiery; can Felix and Katherine really just be friends?

We’ve all heard of the illustrious friendzone. It’s that place you go when the person you’re hopelessly lusting and pining for fails to recognize your true feelings for them or does so and chooses to ignore them, banishing you to the ‘naughty corner’ equivalent of love. Whilst many have been afraid of disappearing into the Bermuda Triangle or under the unknown seas of the Earth, I myself like so many other women am more afraid of getting lost in the friendzone. It’s deeper and darker than any cave in the African jungles, harder to climb out of than any manhole in New York city and worst of all, lonelier than being stranded on a dessert island without Wifi. Yet every day, so many women find themselves dodging and diving to avoid this predicament only to fall into it head first.

I’ve read the research (Cosmo) and I’ve studied the evidence (Youtube) and I just as well as anyone else have been made well aware of the popular belief that a woman or a man can never just be friends if at least one of them has any form of romantic feelings for the other. Makes sense, right? After all, why would you want to just be friends with someone you’re in love with in the first place? Well, as Ms. Austen herself said, ‘Friendship is the finest balm for the pangs of disappointed love.’ If you can’t have them as your lover, at least, they can be your friend. And that is the situation that so many of us find ourselves in today. But even then, are you really just friends or are you both kidding yourselves into masking the romantic potential of your interaction because it’s simply too uncomfortable or inconvenient or even frightening to address it?

For every girl out there who’s ever felt the way Katherine does, we know the frustration that overtakes our bodies and minds when we have to say, ‘Oh no, we’re just good friends’ to every third person who asks us what’s going on with our own version of Felix. Because guess what? We have no idea ourselves. I mean, Felix texts us almost every day, if not every second day. Felix calls us when we send him a message saying, ‘Can you talk right now?’. Felix sends you an email with some random photo of a random person that only the two of you would understand the joke behind. Felix even hangs out with you and pours his heart and soul out about life, love and everything in between, in spite of being a guy who hates talking about feelings. So why don’t you know if you and Felix are more than just friends? And then, as if your own confusion isn’t enough for you to revel in, you find every Bob, Brad and Barry asking you, ‘Oh, you and Felix, you must be a thing? I mean, you’re just kidding yourselves?’ or the ever-charming, ‘Oh when is Felix ever going to make a move on you already, I mean aren’t you tired of waiting?’ and the answer is YES, BOB, we are kidding ourselves and YES, BARRY, we are tired of waiting! But what are we supposed to do about it? At the end of the day, he hasn’t asked you out and you’re too afraid to say your own name in front of him seductively much less express your undying love, so that leaves you with, ‘We’re just good friends.’.

But alas, the answer to the question here is, no, you’re not really just friends. When you’re just friends with a guy, you don’t send a text that says, ‘Hey, guess who’s free tonight?’ hoping he’ll respond back going, ‘You and I’d love to hang out!’ You don’t send that message only to pace around your entire room for an hour trying to Google how to unsend an iMessage (hello, Apple, clear new invention for the iPhone 6 or 7 here, I mean who even cares about the screen, can we have some useful additions please?!) because you’re panicking it was too suggestive. You don’t tell yourself he hasn’t texted back because he’s ignoring you or worse, has read your message but is too busy ogling at other girls to respond. When you’re just friends with a guy, you don’t feel bone-crushing disappointment if he bails on you at the last moment for a night out. When you’re just friends with a guy, you don’t take an hour and a half just to pick out your outfit so you can accidentally ‘bump’ into him in the corridor. But most of all, you’re not just friends with a guy when you have to ask yourself all the time, ‘Am I really just friends with this guy?’

The truth is, as women, we just don’t know how to separate the friendship from the feelings. We will always use it as an excuse for the behaviour we will undertake to exhibit our feelings, only to find we’re disappointed when we don’t get a reaction that extends beyond just friends. You know you’re treating Felix differently from Fabio even when you tell yourself you’re not. I didn’t see you buying Fabio that $500 wallet for his birthday and yet Fabio is one of your best friends. See? If Fabio can’t make it to dinner tonight, you’re not going lie in bed cursing him and crying, rehashing old memories of fun and laughter and telling yourself you’re going to ditch him for someone who deserves your ‘friendship’ (unless of course you are doing all these things, in which case, maybe you’re actually in love with Fabio and you need to probably switch allegiances and leave Felix for me). You’re also most definitely not letting Fabio consume every waking minute of your life by wondering if you should message him or wait for his call or send him an email, because it’s been four hours since your last interaction. Am I right? Of course I am. And do you want to know what the worst part is? Even if Felix doesn’t like you or love you or feel the same intensity of emotion towards you that you do for him, he is still not just your friend.

Breathe; it does get easier, I promise. You see, just because the guy you want doesn’t necessarily want you back to the same extent, he still wants you around. If he didn’t, you wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place. For him, having a girl as great as you is actually a luxury and don’t think for a second he doesn’t actually self-acknowledge every good quality you possess. I once had my very own Felix tell me I was doing incredibly well for myself to have so many men interested in me when I once jokingly expressed to him I had quite a selection of suitors to choose from if I so wished. Instantly offended by his passive jealousy veiled under a false compliment, I shot back, ‘I’m doing well for myself because I’m funny, bright and attractive.’ And you want to know what he said? ‘I know, I know you’re funny and attractive, you don’t have to tell me that.’ Well, do you really buddy? Because I ain’t never heard you say it! I know many of you are nodding in agreement right now. But you know what? That’s his problem, not yours. He knows how good he’s got it, but the issue is, he doesn’t have to do anything about it, because where are you going? Nowhere fast, is the answer. When you’re happily denying the romantic potential yourself by telling him and the rest of the world you’re just friends, he doesn’t have to prove anything to anyone that denotes otherwise. So why, why on this beautiful green Earth, would he give away the opportunity to have a romantic connection with a bright, pretty, intelligent girl without any reason to make her the girl in girlfriend when she isn’t even demanding it? See? He’s not that dumb, he knows he’s got your honest, genuine and wild feelings in the palm of his hand. But you’ve never told him he has to do anything about it. You just keep sitting there, throwing yourself at his mercy and he keeps stringing along your emotions because he feels good knowing you want him and you feel good knowing he’s around. That is so not just friends.

So after shattering your hopes and dreams and leaving you in an even bigger limbo than when you first started reading this article, the question is, how do you go from being ‘not just friends’ to the girl in girlfriend? Can you ever really get out of the friendzone? The cynical school of thought here is, ‘No, wasted opportunity, he’s already made up his mind, you’re just a friend, move on.’ But because I’m a Katherine, I would like to revive your optimism. The reason Felix is taking you for granted, is because you’re letting yourself be put into a category of women that he can take for granted under the pretence of friendship, because he knows they’ll never leave him. Please note, this category may actually just consist of you which is both pathetic and awesome since it makes you el stupido for being there in the first place, but special in a nice, sad way (don’t worry, been, there, done that).

Remember the guy you met at that club two months ago that seemed kind of gorgeous and tall and perfect and wouldn’t stop texting you for a date? And remember how you totally ignored him because you actually only gave him your number to spite Felix who didn’t turn up that night inspite of your several pleas and texts? Then, remember how Club Guy was driven insane by the fact that you just wouldn’t give him your time and you could’ve cared less, which only drove him closer to you? Well, that’s what you need to do with Felix, because for some reason, if caveman didn’t hunt it, caveman don’t want to eat it. Your problem is you gave caveman a giant hunk of meat for free thinking he’ll be glad someone gave him a night off but he now he feels like he’s not sure if it’s the same quality as the one he would’ve fought for with his bare hands. Caveman isn’t exactly the brightest bulb in the box, naturally.

The trick and key here is to remove yourself from the ‘For Granted’ group and reassign your perception as one of being horrendously caught up in your own world where he is not a priority. Now, I hate those articles that tell you to ‘throw yourself into work and family and friends. Find a hobby! Attend that dance class you’ve always wanted to and soon, you’ll find you’ve moved on!’ because honestly, that’s a load of crap. Dancing for half an hour two times a week doesn’t make you forget you’re in love with Felix. It aggravates you and you start thinking about every moment you spend not thinking about him which defeats the purpose because you end up thinking about him double. So what do you do? You fake it till you make it baby. Cry to your friends, write a diary, kickbox every night, scream along to the lyrics of ‘Rolling in the Deep’, but whatever you do, play it cool. Don’t smother him and text him, don’t care if he’s had his morning coffee, don’t ask him what he did on the weekend and don’t laugh at the very obviously funny photo he sends you. Or laugh but don’t email him back unless it says ‘K’ (Shudder, I hate the ‘K’) Without a doubt, if your Felix has truly been taking you for granted and has any mutual genuine feelings for you whatsoever, he will realise soon enough you’re not around anymore and come knocking. If he does, set the standard. Make it known you’ve got a life and he can either be part of it or out, but not the purpose of it anymore. You’ll see soon enough, if Felix has any courage, he’ll overcome his initial shock at being disposed of so easily after being so important and be forced to reconcile his feelings to make a move. You will no longer be another girl; you’ll suddenly be girlfriend material.

Also, put down your pitchforks women. I know you’re looking at me incredulously right now with your eyebrows raised going, ‘Love shouldn’t be this hard. What’s with all the mind games? I mean, it should be simple, either he does or he doesn’t.’ Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but you’re wrong. If you pick men like Felix, then you have to be willing to pay the price and play the player. These men treat romance like a game and if you’re not willing to fight for Mayfair, then quit playing Monopoly (best game reference ever). Because what you might actually find is, Felix doesn’t come knocking. So then what? Then, you put him in the friendzone. There’s no better test than leaving a man you’ve pampered under the pretence of friendship for so long, hanging, to see if he comes back to you. If he does, you’re on the right track. If it’s been two weeks and he’s off drinking every night and calls you at 9pm on the fifteenth day to complain about work, he’s a moron and deserves a six-inch Louboutin through the middle of those $600 shoes you bought him for his last birthday. There is no possible justification here for sticking around beyond this point because guess what? Not even a friend would treat you this way.

So coming back to the point, what happens to poor Katherine and Felix you ask? If they’re really not just friends, what the hell are they? Only they can answer that.

If you want my advice Katherine? Give him two weeks and quit trying to prove you’re the girl to his friend and start asking if he’s ready to the be the boy to yours.

#romance #life #louboutins #dating #blogger #funny #author #friendzone #girlfriend #boyfriend #friends #whyisnthedatingme #charming #mrdarcy